Oops, posted to wrong blog. Carry on.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Pseudopolyamory
Kevin Smith's "Chasing Amy": Holden, Amy and Banky are a pseudopolyamorous triad with Holden as the "apex" between two relationships, a heterosexual romantic relationship and a "heterosexual life partner" relationship.It is very common in today's day and age for people to have a non-sexual companion that in most ways resembles a boyfriend or girlfriend. Often times, these people will redefine these relationships when they find a "real" boyfriend or girlfriend, and they almost always redefine the relationships once they are married.
However, frequently, this redefinition does not happen. The pseudopartner keeps his or her original importance, and what happens is a relationship that is composed of not only the two romantic partners, but each partner's respective pseudopartners.
There are many permutations of pseudopartner:
* The heterosexual/bisexual female's pseudoboyfriend, as I have already described.
* The deep and complex relationships between gay men and their female best friends.
* The common lesbian phenomenon of remaining good friends with an ex.
* The even more common "heterosexual life partner" phenomenon
* To some extent, the role which the "Wolfpack" may fill in a young man's life - it is his primary commitment and the girlfriends of all the pack members, are secondary.
The pseudopartner, when the relationship is not redefined after "real" partnership, usually ends up resented by the romantic partner who is the "left-out" party, but frequently, coupled people in a pseudopartnership will not redefine the pseudopartnership or part with the pseudopartner. After all, "it's not cheating!" because "we're NOT 'like that'!".
Pseudopartnership is actually a destructive force in couple relationships, as there is often a deeper and longer-standing intimacy between the pseudopartners. The pseudopartner will be the first one who hears about the news of the day, and often (because of long-standing trust) will be the first called if there is a problem.
The partnership energy that the romantic partner receives, ends up being the "left-overs" that were not given to the pseudopartner first.
Furthermore, existence of a pseudopartner can prevent both people from having deeper relationships; they end up seeking new partners only to give them what they are not receiving in their pseudopartnership.
It is helpful, in pseudopolyamory, to consider the pseudopartners the "primary" relationship while considering the sexual and romantic partners "secondary".
It is also helpful to single people - if they want a full and complete partnership with another - to learn to spot when prospective mates have a pseudopartner, and to consider those people unavailable.
Women more often end up having to tolerate their partner's pseudopolyamory than vice-versa, and make excuses for it - "they're just friends" or "she's like a sister".
It does not often work the other way around, for heterosexual men. Men will see another man around, and consider the woman unavailable - or if they learn of a pseudopartner after they have coupled with the woman, they will make very clear that they do not tolerate the pseudopartner's presence.
A pseudopartner is NOT the same as a "best friend", although most people do indeed call their pseudopartner their "best friend". But a "best friendship" can easily become a "pseudopartnership" if one allows the best friend into the spaces that only a partner can and should fill.
The following are signs that a person's "best friend" is in fact their pseudopartner:
* Standing date with the friend, just like in a relationship - they are together every weekend
* Even after you get together, the person is always around - often the first of the two to be coupled will feel guilty about leaving the other person out.
* The person manages to always be included in your time with your partner
* Friend is (usually) uncoupled, often the type I refer to as a "toxic single" - this will be one of my next entries
* Your partner talks to the friend every single day, for several hours
* They are with that friend several times a week, and that friend is called upon for every possible need.
* You can't sit at a table with the two people without the entire conversation consisting of their private jokes
* You feel like a third wheel around the two of them, and feel like "something is missing".
* You feel like you will never have a database of shared special moments and memories with your partner because he or she has already shared all of that with their friend
* You rationalize, "but they're not having sex"
* You often have to defend your partner to other people, and explain that s/he and hir friend are NOT sexual
Pseudopartnership is one of the reasons why you should not jump headfirst into a relationship without knowing their friends - otherwise, you will not spot if a person has a pseudopartner, until it is too late. Especially since most people are able to at least somewhat distance from the pseudopartner during the sexually intoxicating "New Relationship Energy" stage.
When a pseudopartnership is severed, often there will be a period of grief - just like a breakup. Some pseudopartnerships can be as deep, profound and involved as marriages, and even involve shared expenses and living arrangements.
Two Sweaters in Love, part 1
Not all Sweater Men prefer Messenger Bag Girls. Many MBGs are (as my colleague puts it) a bit on the "Diablo" side. The Diablo MBG's "ironic" appropriation of masculine traits, love of South Park, many male friends, and constant sarcasm, will eventually begin to grate if the Sweater in question is thin-skinned. He may also get tired of talking about sex.
He may grow tired of hearing about the latest technology, and getting CC'd for every new internet meme, or being told that Rickrolling or some other meme that he has managed to "catch up on" is "so five minutes ago".
Worse, many Sweater Men simply cannot keep up with the sexual appetites of their Messenger Bag Girls. The right to freely and voraciously enjoy sex, for many Messenger Bag Girls, is one more thing on a long list of items (including equal pay) to which they feel entitled.
It can also be heartbreaking for the Sweater who only wants to connect to his partner, and read poetry together, but the partner wants to check Slashdot or Kuro5hin first... and ends up stuck on the computer for three hours because there is always something she MUST blog.
Many Sweaters long for the empathy, sensitivity and beauty that only they understand.
To deal with this problem, many Sweaters (of either physical sex) become homosexual - they only love other Sweaters.
This means that their partners are uniquely suited to understanding the trials and tribulations of Sweater life, and have a compatible mp3 playlist.
It is not easy for gay Sweaters, however. Finding a compatible mate is difficult, let alone finding any mate at all, and for those Sweaters who are past college age - thus denying them the best opportunity to meet their own kind - the Sweater equivalent of a gay bar was invented.
This place is known, commonly, as a coffeehouse.
Coffeehouses are ideal places for Sweaters to meet, connect, and perform all the stages of courtship that lead up to the ultimate act of Sweater Love consummation: attending a concert together, preferably of a local independent band that few people have heard of.
The next essay will detail the stages of gay sweater courtship, from meeting to the mating dance (including the Sweater Stare and the Almost-Hand-Touch) to when the relationship is finally consummated.
I will also discuss the current advances and setbacks in the fight for marriage equality for gay Sweaters.
Stay tuned.
He may grow tired of hearing about the latest technology, and getting CC'd for every new internet meme, or being told that Rickrolling or some other meme that he has managed to "catch up on" is "so five minutes ago".
Worse, many Sweater Men simply cannot keep up with the sexual appetites of their Messenger Bag Girls. The right to freely and voraciously enjoy sex, for many Messenger Bag Girls, is one more thing on a long list of items (including equal pay) to which they feel entitled.
It can also be heartbreaking for the Sweater who only wants to connect to his partner, and read poetry together, but the partner wants to check Slashdot or Kuro5hin first... and ends up stuck on the computer for three hours because there is always something she MUST blog.
Many Sweaters long for the empathy, sensitivity and beauty that only they understand.
To deal with this problem, many Sweaters (of either physical sex) become homosexual - they only love other Sweaters.
This means that their partners are uniquely suited to understanding the trials and tribulations of Sweater life, and have a compatible mp3 playlist.
It is not easy for gay Sweaters, however. Finding a compatible mate is difficult, let alone finding any mate at all, and for those Sweaters who are past college age - thus denying them the best opportunity to meet their own kind - the Sweater equivalent of a gay bar was invented.
This place is known, commonly, as a coffeehouse.
Coffeehouses are ideal places for Sweaters to meet, connect, and perform all the stages of courtship that lead up to the ultimate act of Sweater Love consummation: attending a concert together, preferably of a local independent band that few people have heard of.
The next essay will detail the stages of gay sweater courtship, from meeting to the mating dance (including the Sweater Stare and the Almost-Hand-Touch) to when the relationship is finally consummated.
I will also discuss the current advances and setbacks in the fight for marriage equality for gay Sweaters.
Stay tuned.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Pseudoboyfriend
The Pseudoboyfriend in Film:"Pretty in Pink" - Andie with her Pseudoboyfriend, Duckie.
Girls typically have a "standing date" with the Pseudoboyfriend every weekend, and there is often the social expectation on the part of others that the two will behave as a unit.
The Pseudoboyfriend often fills the role of an Emergency Backup Boyfriend - when every last option has been exhausted, the girl will call him for a real date, but often when an attractive alpha shows up, she'll ditch him.
Girls often get righteously enraged when the Pseudoboyfriend pays attention to another woman, as the Pseudoboyfriend relationship will come to an end when he actually gets a "real" girlfriend, unless the couple and the pseudogirlfriend have some kind of Pseudopolyamorous setup. Sometimes the Pseudoboyfriend's interest in another woman will trigger possessive feelings in the Pseudogirlfriend, and occasionally the Pseudogirlfriend will actually develop real sexual/romantic interest in the Pseudoboyfriend as he is now attractively unavailable. Additionally, most women don't want to part with their Pseudoboyfriend, as finding a good Pseudoboyfriend can be as difficult and heart-rending as finding a decent boyfriend or husband.
Men often get themselves into the Pseudoboyfriend trap when they think they will win a girl's heart by "being her friend"' rather than just asking her out.
The ex-Pseudoboyfriend often feels used, but they still often come back for more.
Default Jew
A Default Jew or Jew-by-Default is a person who displays the following characteristics:
1. An American who possesses a Jewish ethnic identity based upon the presence of at least one Jewish parent
2. Does not identify with the religion or religious community of Judaism. This is not the same as a Jew who converts to another religion or denies his heritage, but still thinks of himself, internally, as a Jew. That person is an Amerano (American Marano), not a Default Jew.
3. Thinks of being Jewish as primarily an interesting tidbit of ethnic trivia, similar to having one French parent
4. Identifies more strongly with the majority culture
5. Does not display much "Yiddishkeit" (the paralanguage, social, and other external identifiers common to many American Jews)
6. The Default Jew feels his identity is primarily defined by the bigotry of others rather than being a free-standing entity of its own. When in mixed Jewish and non-Jewish groups, and around Jews, the Default Jew often feels/identifies as non-Jewish.
7. The Default Jew may have ambivalence toward himself or herself.
A Default Jew will often not at all ever mention their Jewish heritage, except when the following occur:
1. They are accused of being "not really Jewish"
2. They are confronted with anti-Semitism
3. They are faced with the necessity of emigrating to Israel or obtaining political asylum, usually due to #2.
At which point, the Default Jew suddenly becomes VERY Jewish.
Jews of all kinds (Default and non-Default alike) tend to think of the Default Jew as Jewish. Additionally, anti-Semites also usually think of the Default Jew as Jewish.
It's everyone in between to whom the Default Jew's identity tends to be in question.
Interestingly, Default Jews generally see OTHER Default Jews as Jewish, but often do not see themselves this way.
1. An American who possesses a Jewish ethnic identity based upon the presence of at least one Jewish parent
2. Does not identify with the religion or religious community of Judaism. This is not the same as a Jew who converts to another religion or denies his heritage, but still thinks of himself, internally, as a Jew. That person is an Amerano (American Marano), not a Default Jew.
3. Thinks of being Jewish as primarily an interesting tidbit of ethnic trivia, similar to having one French parent
4. Identifies more strongly with the majority culture
5. Does not display much "Yiddishkeit" (the paralanguage, social, and other external identifiers common to many American Jews)
6. The Default Jew feels his identity is primarily defined by the bigotry of others rather than being a free-standing entity of its own. When in mixed Jewish and non-Jewish groups, and around Jews, the Default Jew often feels/identifies as non-Jewish.
7. The Default Jew may have ambivalence toward himself or herself.
A Default Jew will often not at all ever mention their Jewish heritage, except when the following occur:
1. They are accused of being "not really Jewish"
2. They are confronted with anti-Semitism
3. They are faced with the necessity of emigrating to Israel or obtaining political asylum, usually due to #2.
At which point, the Default Jew suddenly becomes VERY Jewish.
Jews of all kinds (Default and non-Default alike) tend to think of the Default Jew as Jewish. Additionally, anti-Semites also usually think of the Default Jew as Jewish.
It's everyone in between to whom the Default Jew's identity tends to be in question.
Interestingly, Default Jews generally see OTHER Default Jews as Jewish, but often do not see themselves this way.
A Small Glossary of New Terms
Subculturopause
When you have hit the age (usually 30, but may be higher or lower depending upon your subculture) at which you are expected to leave your subculture for the mainstream, or at least alter some of your subcultural behaviors (such as, for Sweaters, being into irony and sarcasm). The semiotics of many of your subcultural identifiers will shift as you age; the same behavior will take on a new meaning. When you undergo Subculturopause, people will start suggesting good therapists instead of inviting you to the goth clubs, and call you an asshole for being ironic.
Diablo
This is the contribution of one of my esteemed colleagues and mentors at the Institute of Snarkological Studies. I did not invent it. It is in common use in some communities, but has yet to hit the mainstream. Basically, a Diablo (after the director and ex-stripper Diablo Cody) is the same as a strongly identified Third Wave Feminist or Sex-Positive Feminist. Diablos often see open sexual behavior and taking the traditionally masculine role as a badge of gender liberation. A woman who becomes a sex worker by choice, and defines her choice in terms of feminism, could be defined as a Diablo.
Many have expanded the term to mean any woman of more "libertine" sexual manners, but this is not the strict meaning of Diablo, and such women have existed throughout history - long before the advent of Sex-Positive Feminism. Nonetheless, this construction of the term "Diablo" will be used in other terms, such as Diablo Boyfriend Decay and Diablo Makeover.
Diablo Boyfriend Decay
A phenomenon in which very strongly identified Diablos frequently experience a gradual dropoff in the social, socioeconomic and psychosexual quality of their partners as they age. A form of relative social decay. At age 20, the Diablo's boyfriend is often of average maturity and average professional status for his age. She experiences a significant decline in the status of her male partners, until at age 30 she finds herself the companion of worsening levels of Tumor Boyfriend.
Diablo Makeover
When an unpopular or conventionally unnattractive teenage girl or young woman decides to read every sex manual and become open about her sex life, with the (misguided or not) hope of becoming more popular.
Cliqarche
The technical term for Clique Social Ripening. Puberty for square youth. When being into wine tasting and Kenny G is now completely normal, and gets you invited to the good parties that you used to get banned from.
Zendrogyny
The tendency for many Caucasian attendees at any Buddhist organization to have an androgynous or gender-atypical presentation and appearance.
Corset Diablo
The sexually aggressive, overbearing women one often sees in the subculture of fantasy and science fiction fandom, and medieval re-enactment.
Zendroid
Some of the blissed-out individuals who often practice Zendrogyny. Sometimes require a deprogrammer in order to carry on a conversation with them.
Messenger Bag Girl
The opposite sex counterpart to a Sweater Man. She is not merely a female Sweater.
The most extreme of Messenger Bag Girls (so-called because they carry ironically ugly and thus trendy messenger bags, often with logos or slogans) mature into lawyers, businesswomen and high-tech professionals, but plenty merely settle for an advanced degree of some kind, or at worst, a job as a software debugger. In their latency, they often have black hair cut in a sleek bob, and trendy, chunky glasses. The Messenger Bag Girl believes in the sexual equality of women, and is generally the aggressor in her relationships with her ideal partner, the Sweater Man, but she is not necessarily a Diablo. Additionally, she will be the superior breadwinner to her mate, who manages the local independent cafe, has a Bachelor's degree in Ancient Greek, is a musician in a garage band, the world's best macrame artist, and a freelance writer.
When you have hit the age (usually 30, but may be higher or lower depending upon your subculture) at which you are expected to leave your subculture for the mainstream, or at least alter some of your subcultural behaviors (such as, for Sweaters, being into irony and sarcasm). The semiotics of many of your subcultural identifiers will shift as you age; the same behavior will take on a new meaning. When you undergo Subculturopause, people will start suggesting good therapists instead of inviting you to the goth clubs, and call you an asshole for being ironic.
Diablo
This is the contribution of one of my esteemed colleagues and mentors at the Institute of Snarkological Studies. I did not invent it. It is in common use in some communities, but has yet to hit the mainstream. Basically, a Diablo (after the director and ex-stripper Diablo Cody) is the same as a strongly identified Third Wave Feminist or Sex-Positive Feminist. Diablos often see open sexual behavior and taking the traditionally masculine role as a badge of gender liberation. A woman who becomes a sex worker by choice, and defines her choice in terms of feminism, could be defined as a Diablo.
Many have expanded the term to mean any woman of more "libertine" sexual manners, but this is not the strict meaning of Diablo, and such women have existed throughout history - long before the advent of Sex-Positive Feminism. Nonetheless, this construction of the term "Diablo" will be used in other terms, such as Diablo Boyfriend Decay and Diablo Makeover.
Diablo Boyfriend Decay
A phenomenon in which very strongly identified Diablos frequently experience a gradual dropoff in the social, socioeconomic and psychosexual quality of their partners as they age. A form of relative social decay. At age 20, the Diablo's boyfriend is often of average maturity and average professional status for his age. She experiences a significant decline in the status of her male partners, until at age 30 she finds herself the companion of worsening levels of Tumor Boyfriend.
Diablo Makeover
When an unpopular or conventionally unnattractive teenage girl or young woman decides to read every sex manual and become open about her sex life, with the (misguided or not) hope of becoming more popular.
Cliqarche
The technical term for Clique Social Ripening. Puberty for square youth. When being into wine tasting and Kenny G is now completely normal, and gets you invited to the good parties that you used to get banned from.
Zendrogyny
The tendency for many Caucasian attendees at any Buddhist organization to have an androgynous or gender-atypical presentation and appearance.
Corset Diablo
The sexually aggressive, overbearing women one often sees in the subculture of fantasy and science fiction fandom, and medieval re-enactment.
Zendroid
Some of the blissed-out individuals who often practice Zendrogyny. Sometimes require a deprogrammer in order to carry on a conversation with them.
Messenger Bag Girl
The opposite sex counterpart to a Sweater Man. She is not merely a female Sweater.
The most extreme of Messenger Bag Girls (so-called because they carry ironically ugly and thus trendy messenger bags, often with logos or slogans) mature into lawyers, businesswomen and high-tech professionals, but plenty merely settle for an advanced degree of some kind, or at worst, a job as a software debugger. In their latency, they often have black hair cut in a sleek bob, and trendy, chunky glasses. The Messenger Bag Girl believes in the sexual equality of women, and is generally the aggressor in her relationships with her ideal partner, the Sweater Man, but she is not necessarily a Diablo. Additionally, she will be the superior breadwinner to her mate, who manages the local independent cafe, has a Bachelor's degree in Ancient Greek, is a musician in a garage band, the world's best macrame artist, and a freelance writer.
Social Ripening and Social Decay
Social Decay is a phenomenon which can be observed in many cliques where the common bond is based upon a hobby, profession or other activity that is chiefly practiced by young adults (such as college students). This does not apply as frequently to cliques that are based upon a multigenerational or age-stable interest (such as fans of a sporting team).
At ages 18-20, you and other members of your clique find that you are in the same general stage of maturity. Most of you have crappy jobs, many of you live with your parents.
Provided that you yourself are succumbing to Social Decay and remain with the clique, you will observe that over time, clique members will defect from the clique as they enter their adult profession, attain higher social status, or form families. Your peers who remain in the clique, will be those who remain at the same socioeconomic, professional and/or psychosexual level that they were when they joined the clique, and additionally, new members - usually more college age people - will join your clique.
25 is the "half-way" point where many new adults will have left the clique, and many will remain - I will call age 25 the "half-life". You have half decayed, but not entirely. The defectors will be replaced by the "fresh blood" of latent adults who join the clique.
At 30, you have mostly decayed, and anyone over 35 still left in the clique is pretty much a stunted burnout, itinerant, has never left home, and/or possibly a pedophile.
Social Ripening is the inverse, wherein the core members of a clique actually become more socially adept and financially stable with age. This is particularly true in cliques whose chief interest is a professional or academic pursuit - in a group of science or history buffs, the older members may actually be married professors, but the younger members are considered "nerdy" and "square" by most people their own age.
Alex P. Keaton (from "Family Ties"), who hopefully will undergo Social Ripening at 40, and Comic Book Guy (from "The Simpsons"), a victim of Social Decay, have one thing in common: they are not in the dominant age group of the people who practice their lifestyle.
At ages 18-20, you and other members of your clique find that you are in the same general stage of maturity. Most of you have crappy jobs, many of you live with your parents.
Provided that you yourself are succumbing to Social Decay and remain with the clique, you will observe that over time, clique members will defect from the clique as they enter their adult profession, attain higher social status, or form families. Your peers who remain in the clique, will be those who remain at the same socioeconomic, professional and/or psychosexual level that they were when they joined the clique, and additionally, new members - usually more college age people - will join your clique.
25 is the "half-way" point where many new adults will have left the clique, and many will remain - I will call age 25 the "half-life". You have half decayed, but not entirely. The defectors will be replaced by the "fresh blood" of latent adults who join the clique.
At 30, you have mostly decayed, and anyone over 35 still left in the clique is pretty much a stunted burnout, itinerant, has never left home, and/or possibly a pedophile.
Social Ripening is the inverse, wherein the core members of a clique actually become more socially adept and financially stable with age. This is particularly true in cliques whose chief interest is a professional or academic pursuit - in a group of science or history buffs, the older members may actually be married professors, but the younger members are considered "nerdy" and "square" by most people their own age.
Alex P. Keaton (from "Family Ties"), who hopefully will undergo Social Ripening at 40, and Comic Book Guy (from "The Simpsons"), a victim of Social Decay, have one thing in common: they are not in the dominant age group of the people who practice their lifestyle.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Everything Is Okay
I, Dr. Alice Weinberg of the Institute of Snarkological Studies, take a break from snarking to address a very serious issue: the problem in our culture that Everything is Okay.
The actuality of everything being okay is not really the issue. I am a definite believer in self-determination and refining one's own moral compass. The problem is when one holds the view that Everything Must Be Okay to the point of being a not-okaynik about the not-okayniks. We must always try to understand why something is historically not okay!
The fact is, everything is NOT Okay. You are perfectly within your right to do anything you wish that does not harm other people... just don't have the fallacious understanding that everyone will support you.
"Everything is Okay" goes beyond merely cultural or moral relativism.
In moral relativism, there is the understanding that certain behaviors are appropriate for different settings and different cultures.
When something is NOT Okay, there must be no attempt to understand the sociological forces underlying the thing being "not okay".
It is actually very important to try to understand why something is Not Okay. This is the only way that some things will EVER become Okay - is if we first understand why the Not Okay-niks are opposed to the item (say, gay marriage, medical marijuana or abortion rights), and understand the forces that took place over thousands of years, to make this viewpoint evolve.
Hating people for being a Not Okay-nik about one's particular position, is never constructive. It leads to entrenched positions. And no dialogue.
And that, to me, is Not Okay.
Somebody in the equation has to stop being a fundamentalist. Sometimes we have to take a look at who the fundies really are.
The actuality of everything being okay is not really the issue. I am a definite believer in self-determination and refining one's own moral compass. The problem is when one holds the view that Everything Must Be Okay to the point of being a not-okaynik about the not-okayniks. We must always try to understand why something is historically not okay!
The fact is, everything is NOT Okay. You are perfectly within your right to do anything you wish that does not harm other people... just don't have the fallacious understanding that everyone will support you.
"Everything is Okay" goes beyond merely cultural or moral relativism.
In moral relativism, there is the understanding that certain behaviors are appropriate for different settings and different cultures.
When something is NOT Okay, there must be no attempt to understand the sociological forces underlying the thing being "not okay".
It is actually very important to try to understand why something is Not Okay. This is the only way that some things will EVER become Okay - is if we first understand why the Not Okay-niks are opposed to the item (say, gay marriage, medical marijuana or abortion rights), and understand the forces that took place over thousands of years, to make this viewpoint evolve.
Hating people for being a Not Okay-nik about one's particular position, is never constructive. It leads to entrenched positions. And no dialogue.
And that, to me, is Not Okay.
Somebody in the equation has to stop being a fundamentalist. Sometimes we have to take a look at who the fundies really are.
Sweater Men and Sweatertopia
At some point, the Generation X "flannel boys" grew up. Once over the age of 30, they are now known as "sweater men" or "sweaters" - the female counterpart is "messenger bag girl".
The Sweater Man is a middle class, politically liberal, and usually (though not always) Caucasian man who is in touch with his feminine side. He identifies as antimaterialist, though his high place in the socioeconomic food chain is what gives him the privilege of being so.
He often wears an oversized, moth-eaten sweater (kept for sentimental value), but don't let the absence of such a sweater fool you, as any self-respecting Sweater Man wears his sweater on the inside.
Sweater Men practice zazen, identify as feminist, and love Ethnic Everything (especially if they can take bits and pieces out of the cultural context, to add to their identity). They wear Buddhist hand malas identified as "karma beads". They frequent coffeehouses - which are the Sweater world's Town Hall or community church - but they drink tea more often than coffee.
Where working class Alphas join the military as their rite of passage, Sweaters do one of two things: do an unpaid internship, or join the Peace Corps, after graduation from college (which is nearly universal in Sweatertopia). They often work lower paid jobs that require a high amount of education, necessitating the employment of their mate - but Messenger Bag women always rise to the occasion, and often make more money than their Sweater husbands, which being good feminists, the Sweater Men don't begrudge.
A Sweater Man's feminine side makes him perfectly suited to his Messenger Bag female counterpart, who is in touch with her masculine side.
Their mating dance consists of enacting the trope of Coffeehouse Love that is Sweatertopia's equivalent of courtly love. As Sweaters are both men and women in one body, as are Messenger Bags, this dance usually consists of both staring at each other across a coffeehouse table while they figure out who is going to do what, and to whom. This struggle is so traumatic and jarring that they ultimately decide to be "Friends with Benefits", which is a very common and popular Sweater relationship format.
Sweater men disdain the Shiny Jackass Professional, whom they see as the symbol of all that is bad and wrong with Western Civilization. After all, SJPs invented nicotine, nuclear weapons, monarchy, capitalism, and the military. Therefore, SJPs are banned from Sweatertopia.
Sweaters require a specially rarified environment to function at optimum performance. This environment is similar to a terrarium or a salt water aquarium and must be kept in perfect order at all times or the Sweater will weaken and eventually die. They are happiest in the company of other Sweaters, and large Sweater communities such as Portland or San Francisco are ideal. In the absence of large Sweater populations, small, self-contained Sweatertopias are acceptable - usually a university town.
Sweaters require a special diet. Current research supports that raw and organic are the most ideal diet to feed the Sweaters in your life, but while indeed a large number are vegetarian or vegan, few actually practice raw.
Every ten years, Sweaters elect a king. Usually this king is some important member of a downtrodden group. Ten years is as long as it takes for the king to become too popular, at which point he becomes a victim of the Law of Sweater Entropy: where something becomes too popular and mainstream and Sweaters must reject it. Without fail, though, in twenty years the law of Entropic Reversal takes place and the rejected item becomes "ironic".
The king of Sweatertopia is presently Barack Obama. Of course President Obama is the President of the United States, but this does not adequately sum up his role in Sweatertopia. Sweaters' veneration for this man is beyond merely the average American's respect for a president; it is a combination of rock star awe and darshan, what Hindus describe as the feeling one has in the presence of a living saint. It is actually quite rare for an American president to be elected the King of Sweatertopia.
Ten years ago, this role was given to His Holiness Tenzin Gyatso, the Fourteenth Dalai Lama of Tibet, but the Dalai Lama lost his crown as King of Sweatertopia when he violated the Sweatertopian Mandate of Heaven. One of the key laws of Sweatertopia is that everything must be okay. The Dalai Lama lost the Mandate of Heaven when he appeared too many times on television and spoke honestly about the position of homosexuality within traditional Buddhism.
The Dalai Lama stated that this mainly applied to monks (who are celibate and shouldn't practice either homosexuality or heterosexuality), and has indicated willingness to have a constructive dialogue with the Sweater community, but this did not save his career as the King of Sweatertopia. The outcry was nearly violent.
As is possible with any Sweatertopian king, there is real danger that King Barack may fall from grace when he says something that disappoints Sweaters everywhere or indicates that he is not Okay With Everything. This is the danger of making a president the King of Sweatertopia, because when he is actually forced to act presidential and concede to the wishes of his opponents, usually he loses the Mandate of Heaven - this is how King William (President Bill Clinton) was forced to concede his crown to the Dalai Lama, when he allowed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to pass.
As for politics, Sweaters are nearly always liberal (ranging from merely moderate Democrat to Green to full blown Socialist), but they do not comprise the bulk of self-identified liberals.
The Sweater Man is a middle class, politically liberal, and usually (though not always) Caucasian man who is in touch with his feminine side. He identifies as antimaterialist, though his high place in the socioeconomic food chain is what gives him the privilege of being so.
He often wears an oversized, moth-eaten sweater (kept for sentimental value), but don't let the absence of such a sweater fool you, as any self-respecting Sweater Man wears his sweater on the inside.
Sweater Men practice zazen, identify as feminist, and love Ethnic Everything (especially if they can take bits and pieces out of the cultural context, to add to their identity). They wear Buddhist hand malas identified as "karma beads". They frequent coffeehouses - which are the Sweater world's Town Hall or community church - but they drink tea more often than coffee.
Where working class Alphas join the military as their rite of passage, Sweaters do one of two things: do an unpaid internship, or join the Peace Corps, after graduation from college (which is nearly universal in Sweatertopia). They often work lower paid jobs that require a high amount of education, necessitating the employment of their mate - but Messenger Bag women always rise to the occasion, and often make more money than their Sweater husbands, which being good feminists, the Sweater Men don't begrudge.
A Sweater Man's feminine side makes him perfectly suited to his Messenger Bag female counterpart, who is in touch with her masculine side.
Their mating dance consists of enacting the trope of Coffeehouse Love that is Sweatertopia's equivalent of courtly love. As Sweaters are both men and women in one body, as are Messenger Bags, this dance usually consists of both staring at each other across a coffeehouse table while they figure out who is going to do what, and to whom. This struggle is so traumatic and jarring that they ultimately decide to be "Friends with Benefits", which is a very common and popular Sweater relationship format.
Sweater men disdain the Shiny Jackass Professional, whom they see as the symbol of all that is bad and wrong with Western Civilization. After all, SJPs invented nicotine, nuclear weapons, monarchy, capitalism, and the military. Therefore, SJPs are banned from Sweatertopia.
Sweaters require a specially rarified environment to function at optimum performance. This environment is similar to a terrarium or a salt water aquarium and must be kept in perfect order at all times or the Sweater will weaken and eventually die. They are happiest in the company of other Sweaters, and large Sweater communities such as Portland or San Francisco are ideal. In the absence of large Sweater populations, small, self-contained Sweatertopias are acceptable - usually a university town.
Sweaters require a special diet. Current research supports that raw and organic are the most ideal diet to feed the Sweaters in your life, but while indeed a large number are vegetarian or vegan, few actually practice raw.
Every ten years, Sweaters elect a king. Usually this king is some important member of a downtrodden group. Ten years is as long as it takes for the king to become too popular, at which point he becomes a victim of the Law of Sweater Entropy: where something becomes too popular and mainstream and Sweaters must reject it. Without fail, though, in twenty years the law of Entropic Reversal takes place and the rejected item becomes "ironic".
The king of Sweatertopia is presently Barack Obama. Of course President Obama is the President of the United States, but this does not adequately sum up his role in Sweatertopia. Sweaters' veneration for this man is beyond merely the average American's respect for a president; it is a combination of rock star awe and darshan, what Hindus describe as the feeling one has in the presence of a living saint. It is actually quite rare for an American president to be elected the King of Sweatertopia.
Ten years ago, this role was given to His Holiness Tenzin Gyatso, the Fourteenth Dalai Lama of Tibet, but the Dalai Lama lost his crown as King of Sweatertopia when he violated the Sweatertopian Mandate of Heaven. One of the key laws of Sweatertopia is that everything must be okay. The Dalai Lama lost the Mandate of Heaven when he appeared too many times on television and spoke honestly about the position of homosexuality within traditional Buddhism.
The Dalai Lama stated that this mainly applied to monks (who are celibate and shouldn't practice either homosexuality or heterosexuality), and has indicated willingness to have a constructive dialogue with the Sweater community, but this did not save his career as the King of Sweatertopia. The outcry was nearly violent.
As is possible with any Sweatertopian king, there is real danger that King Barack may fall from grace when he says something that disappoints Sweaters everywhere or indicates that he is not Okay With Everything. This is the danger of making a president the King of Sweatertopia, because when he is actually forced to act presidential and concede to the wishes of his opponents, usually he loses the Mandate of Heaven - this is how King William (President Bill Clinton) was forced to concede his crown to the Dalai Lama, when he allowed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to pass.
As for politics, Sweaters are nearly always liberal (ranging from merely moderate Democrat to Green to full blown Socialist), but they do not comprise the bulk of self-identified liberals.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Henhousing
The girls from Sex and the City discuss the finer points of straw bedding, feed, and roosters.Henhousing is the female equivalent of wolfpacking, but it shares some important differences.
As a developmental stage, women "henhouse" later than men "wolfpack", as female individuation tends to follow a different process.
Men go from child, to buddy, to careerist, to husband, to parent.
Women go from child, to wife (or girlfriend, as the case may be for most young modern women), to buddy, although increasingly later marriage is altering this course so that women evolve from child, to careerist, to buddy, to wife, to parent.
Where a wolfpack consists of young single males, a henhouse consists of women who are either already married and not seeking mates (the coffee klatsch set) or who have reached their late 30s and are unmarried, but who have already strongly individuated away from their family and away from the boyfriend-grasping stage. Henhousers are secure in their identity as women. They define their femininity not by the presence or lack of a man... but by their membership in the henhouse.
Where wolfpackers leave the pack to marry, and form a primary identity as a father, henhousers arrive at the henhouse having experienced many or most of the other roles. It is a developmentally later stage than wolfpacking. Much may have to do with
the change in hormones at midlife, as women masculinize and men feminize.
At twenty, the girlfriend complains that her boyfriend spends all his time with his "posse" - his wolfpack.
In ten years, this same woman will get most of her social needs met by women she meets through the PTA, and other mothers in her neighborhood.
And in twenty, she will be stuffing cash down the jockeys of moonlighting young wolfpackers, while sipping pink drinks with her "posse". While her husband sits on the couch and complains that she spends too much time with her friends.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Tumor Boyfriend
A typical tumor boyfriend, enjoying finger food and re-runs of "Desperate Housewives" while his girlfriend is at work.The Tumor Boyfriend is your friend or sibling's significant other (never YOURS; Tumor Boyfriend specifically refers to SOMEONE ELSE'S partner) who is particularly annoying.
Features of the Tumor Boyfriend are: he is always around, he always eats your food, he doesn't especially contribute anything to social get-togethers including the couple, and the woman does all the talking.
The relationship usually moves quickly to live-in as within two months, inevitably the Tumor Boyfriend will be out of work, and need somewhere to crash. At first he will stay on your roommate's couch for a few days, but eventually he will be your new roommate.
As annoying as he is to you, there is a social contract between Tumor Boyfriends and the women that they partner with. Tumor Boyfriends seem to good listeners, always willing to give a massage, often can play three songs on the guitar, and are good at some offbeat skill, such as needlepoint or macrame. And they always seem to be superior in bed to all other men, as if this were the specialized skill for which they were born.
There seems to be no homosexual or female equivalent. For some reason, this seems strictly a phenomenon of heterosexual males, perhaps because they have not been socialized to be productive stay-at-home partners.
Wolfpacking
Boys' night out. No girls allowed!Wolfpacking is the stage in human male development where the male animal learns the masculine role via affiliation with a close-knit group of other males - his wolfpack. This usually takes place after leaving his family home for the first time and lasts for an average of five to ten years but for some males may be shorter or longer.
Eventually, the pack dissipates or changes in character, as the males marry off or bring their wives/girlfriends into the "pack". Wolfpacking often ceases entirely once the male has produced offspring, but not always.
The female will find herself in a secondary position if she attempts to mate with a male still at this stage. To the frustration of his girlfriend, his identity at this time is as a member of the pack, not as a member of a pair bond.
The best way to deal with a man's wolfpacking, is to not attempt to mate with the male in that stage. Signs that a guy is "wolfpacking" include clawed walls and trees and urine and fecal deposits as a sign of marking territory, and howling at the moon.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Come to Japanland!
Gwen Stefani, Japanlandian Ambassador to the UN, welcomes you to Japanland.Japanlandians are dominantly Caucasian. They have always proudly insisted that their culture has existed throughout time. There is some evidence that Japanland was founded in the late 1890s. The largest wave of immigration began in the 1970s, after the Right of Return was passed for Japanlandians living abroad. Spurred by the recent popularity of the Japanlandian classic cultural canon, which includes works such as "Space Battleship Yamato", Japanlandians began emigrating to Japanland by the thousands. They recently elected an emperor.
Emperor Jason I's tears are a valued commodity abroad, as they cure infertility.Emperor Jason I is a tall, thin young man with flowing silver hair, who was selected for his androgynous sex appeal. He is surrounded at all times by his ninja secret service, who are best avoided because they have been known to, like, "totally flip out and kill people". The correspondent who observed this, described it as "totally sweet".
The ninja guard are however necessary because of the significant indigenous population of homo sapiens felis, whose females, upon reaching puberty, undergo a cyclical frenzy during each and every oestrus cycle. The hordes of these frenzied females pose a very real danger to the life and limb of Emperor Jason.
A female of the subspecies H. Sapiens Felis, which can be found in all parts of Japanland. He is said to be desired by many males as well, and due to the natural heirarchy of this species, females will clear aside to watch glassy-eyed, in rapt fascination, if an attractive male approaches the Emperor. They will then celebrate this occurance in story and song. This is the only safety he is provided other than his ninja guard.
At times, however, the sadness and beauty of the world overcomes the Emperor, and he retreats to his private study. His tears run down his polished floor to collect in collecting basins. They are then bottled and exported at the price of five million yen per bottle as a fertility treatment. Due to the intricacies of America's health care system, these end up sold to patients at the price of one million dollars per ampoule.
A member of Japanland's armed forces. In addition to his ninja guard, Emperor Jason is the commander in chief of the armed forces, which consist of samurai, elite ground forces, and several squadrons of fighter jets. At times the samurai as well become overcome by the angst of the world, or distracted by each other, and the fighter jets (which are sentient, but do not have the full range of human emotion) must fight the entire war. Fortunately Japanland is a peaceful nation and has yet to actually have required the services of its armed forces in any protracted conflict.
Military service in Japanland is compulsory. Nearly everyone is required to be a samurai at some point, unless they are the lucky few (who possess special powers) who are selected for Emperor Jason's personal guard. Military service however provides excellent benefits, such as delicious food.
Japanlandian marriage and sexual customs are unique. Most Japanlandians believe themselves to be designated a soulmate at birth. Marriages last for life, except that commonly one member will die a tragic death soon after the marriage is consummated, leaving the other party bereft and alone.
If a male Japanlandian reaches 18 and is still a virgin, he will be issued a supernatural or robotic companion. If he is attractive, then troubadors sing of the idea that any other male Japanlandian will gladly mate with him, but this is more urban legend than fact.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Omegas and Human Society
While young Omega males and females have often been the victims of the future alphas, it must not be assumed that they themselves wish to become the alpha.
Indeed, Omegas have a desirable position in society, being they who build and design the infrastructures which the alphas (often incompetently) manage and the betas defend and build. Indeed, many omegas have indeed become alphas themselves.
But not all omegas concern themselves with the build and design of human infrastructure.
Many are the storytellers and mythmakers of the group, recounting legends of star travellers and young men bitten by radioactive spiders who defeat the forces of evil, and often dressing up as these characters with the hope of acquiring some of their heroes' powers, much as the shaman of a tribe once wore an animal skin.
Donning of an animal skin is still practiced by some omegas, as well.
CSI's Catherine Willows (Marg Helgenberger), left, consults the mystical shamanic powers of "Sexy Kitty" regarding a longer rainy season and greater crop yield.Shiny Jackass Professional
Sex and the City's Mr. Big (Chris Noth), left, with his alpha female, Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), right. If she had young, he would kill and eat them to ensure all her offspring are his alone.The Shiny Jackass Professional is the alpha male of the industrialized human race. He is the lawyer or businessman who is the coveted object of affection for millions of lonely women. All races and classes desire him, as his genes are considered ideal for continuing on through posterity.
He typically only mates with other "alphas" of his pack, such as top models or Seven Sisters graduates on whom he cheats with top models, and the pack does not allow him to marry until he has ascended to alpha status, often by defeat and exile of the rival male (and occasionally, killing him). Until he is permitted to form a pair bond, he will copulate with numerous lesser ranked females, seeing them as an exploitable natural resource which he is entitled to plunder without recompense, similar to oil or coal.
When he joins a new pack, he prefers to mate with females that have never borne young, but if they do indeed have offspring, he will kill and eat these to ensure that all future offspring are his alone.
The Jesus Trigger
1. The tendency for any reference to the word "Jesus" to completely derail a conversation. Others will completely validate or devalue your statement based upon presence of this word alone.
2. More broadly, any word whose presence in a conversation derails the conversation from all reason and diverts it onto an emotional track.
Salesmen, significant others who want to win an argument when they're losing, and your mother are all experts at using the Jesus Trigger.
Anthropology Student Syndrome
A real anthropologist. Real anthropologists rescue relics from Nazis. If you took two courses in anthropology in college but have no actual intentions of defending our national treasures against the Nazi scourge, then you, sir, have Anthropology Student Syndrome.Individuals afflicted with ASS have typically consumed a great deal of anthropology material and are familiar with at least some of the mores of people who live at the band or tribe level of organization. They are especially fascinated by those customs which part ways with Western ideas about sexuality, marriage, or child-rearing, and will drop references to these cultures into any casual conversation that references a traditional Western perspective, for example, that of Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
The following is an example of a person afflicted with ASS. Blue is the initiator of the conversation, green is the person countering with an especially ASS-tastic response.
Blue: My family is messed up. My sister got with ("poached") my other sister's man.
Green: But polygamy is practiced in many cultures.
Blue: And none of their kids ever left home.
Green: But big extended families are part of many cultures.
The conversation usually ends with Blue screaming at Green, "I don't CARE what they do in the Trobriand Islands, my family lives in Hoboken!" and beating Green over the head with any Margaret Mead book.
Greetings!
"There are two kinds of people... those who believe there are two kinds of people, and those who don't."
-- my old journalism professor
We already live in a sea of labels - based on religion, race, class, profession, et cetera - but nobody ever thinks about the most important ones: people who like to talk about movies after watching them vs. people who don't, dark chocolate lovers vs. milk chocolate lovers, and perhaps most importantly, the different types of people who talk in movies and the different types of bad kissers.
Read on - and comment so that the Human Taxonomist can gather data regarding "people who read The Human Taxonomist, and people who don't."
-- my old journalism professor
We already live in a sea of labels - based on religion, race, class, profession, et cetera - but nobody ever thinks about the most important ones: people who like to talk about movies after watching them vs. people who don't, dark chocolate lovers vs. milk chocolate lovers, and perhaps most importantly, the different types of people who talk in movies and the different types of bad kissers.
Read on - and comment so that the Human Taxonomist can gather data regarding "people who read The Human Taxonomist, and people who don't."
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