Pseudopolyamory

Kevin Smith's "Chasing Amy": Holden, Amy and Banky are a pseudopolyamorous triad with Holden as the "apex" between two relationships, a heterosexual romantic relationship and a "heterosexual life partner" relationship.

It is very common in today's day and age for people to have a non-sexual companion that in most ways resembles a boyfriend or girlfriend. Often times, these people will redefine these relationships when they find a "real" boyfriend or girlfriend, and they almost always redefine the relationships once they are married.

However, frequently, this redefinition does not happen. The pseudopartner keeps his or her original importance, and what happens is a relationship that is composed of not only the two romantic partners, but each partner's respective pseudopartners.

There are many permutations of pseudopartner:

* The heterosexual/bisexual female's pseudoboyfriend, as I have already described.
* The deep and complex relationships between gay men and their female best friends.
* The common lesbian phenomenon of remaining good friends with an ex.
* The even more common "heterosexual life partner" phenomenon
* To some extent, the role which the "Wolfpack" may fill in a young man's life - it is his primary commitment and the girlfriends of all the pack members, are secondary.


The pseudopartner, when the relationship is not redefined after "real" partnership, usually ends up resented by the romantic partner who is the "left-out" party, but frequently, coupled people in a pseudopartnership will not redefine the pseudopartnership or part with the pseudopartner. After all, "it's not cheating!" because "we're NOT 'like that'!".

Pseudopartnership is actually a destructive force in couple relationships, as there is often a deeper and longer-standing intimacy between the pseudopartners. The pseudopartner will be the first one who hears about the news of the day, and often (because of long-standing trust) will be the first called if there is a problem.

The partnership energy that the romantic partner receives, ends up being the "left-overs" that were not given to the pseudopartner first.

Furthermore, existence of a pseudopartner can prevent both people from having deeper relationships; they end up seeking new partners only to give them what they are not receiving in their pseudopartnership.

It is helpful, in pseudopolyamory, to consider the pseudopartners the "primary" relationship while considering the sexual and romantic partners "secondary".

It is also helpful to single people - if they want a full and complete partnership with another - to learn to spot when prospective mates have a pseudopartner, and to consider those people unavailable.

Women more often end up having to tolerate their partner's pseudopolyamory than vice-versa, and make excuses for it - "they're just friends" or "she's like a sister".

It does not often work the other way around, for heterosexual men. Men will see another man around, and consider the woman unavailable - or if they learn of a pseudopartner after they have coupled with the woman, they will make very clear that they do not tolerate the pseudopartner's presence.

A pseudopartner is NOT the same as a "best friend", although most people do indeed call their pseudopartner their "best friend". But a "best friendship" can easily become a "pseudopartnership" if one allows the best friend into the spaces that only a partner can and should fill.

The following are signs that a person's "best friend" is in fact their pseudopartner:

* Standing date with the friend, just like in a relationship - they are together every weekend
* Even after you get together, the person is always around - often the first of the two to be coupled will feel guilty about leaving the other person out.
* The person manages to always be included in your time with your partner
* Friend is (usually) uncoupled, often the type I refer to as a "toxic single" - this will be one of my next entries
* Your partner talks to the friend every single day, for several hours
* They are with that friend several times a week, and that friend is called upon for every possible need.
* You can't sit at a table with the two people without the entire conversation consisting of their private jokes
* You feel like a third wheel around the two of them, and feel like "something is missing".
* You feel like you will never have a database of shared special moments and memories with your partner because he or she has already shared all of that with their friend
* You rationalize, "but they're not having sex"
* You often have to defend your partner to other people, and explain that s/he and hir friend are NOT sexual

Pseudopartnership is one of the reasons why you should not jump headfirst into a relationship without knowing their friends - otherwise, you will not spot if a person has a pseudopartner, until it is too late. Especially since most people are able to at least somewhat distance from the pseudopartner during the sexually intoxicating "New Relationship Energy" stage.

When a pseudopartnership is severed, often there will be a period of grief - just like a breakup. Some pseudopartnerships can be as deep, profound and involved as marriages, and even involve shared expenses and living arrangements.