Shiny Jackass Professional

Sex and the City's Mr. Big (Chris Noth), left, with his alpha female, Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), right. If she had young, he would kill and eat them to ensure all her offspring are his alone.

The Shiny Jackass Professional is the alpha male of the industrialized human race. He is the lawyer or businessman who is the coveted object of affection for millions of lonely women. All races and classes desire him, as his genes are considered ideal for continuing on through posterity.

He typically only mates with other "alphas" of his pack, such as top models or Seven Sisters graduates on whom he cheats with top models, and the pack does not allow him to marry until he has ascended to alpha status, often by defeat and exile of the rival male (and occasionally, killing him). Until he is permitted to form a pair bond, he will copulate with numerous lesser ranked females, seeing them as an exploitable natural resource which he is entitled to plunder without recompense, similar to oil or coal.

When he joins a new pack, he prefers to mate with females that have never borne young, but if they do indeed have offspring, he will kill and eat these to ensure that all future offspring are his alone.