Personfriend

In today's society, one thing conspicuously lacking is a term that may safely apply to a romantic companion of either gender.

What if you want to discuss someone's romantic life, but don't know his or her sexual orientation, so have no clue what gender his or her partners will be? What if they're bisexual, and their partner could be either gender?

It can be especially confusing if the person in question is polyamorous and has multiple romantic companions of both genders.

It can be especially confusing if you are the bisexual, polyamorist, or bisexual polyamorist attempting to describe your not-quite-yet-serious companions.

"Partner" does not solve this problem. Partner is altogether too serious. Even if Partner does sound rather like someone you work with at your law firm, it still implies a level of commitment that might not be there. It isn't appropriate to describe someone's companion as a Partner if they're merely at "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" - making their first joint purchase of a CD at Amoeba Records, not their first joint purchase of a CD at Bank of Outer Slobbovia.

To that end, I propose a new term:

PERSONFRIEND.

"Personfriend" has the same connotations as "Boyfriend" or "Girlfriend", but with the benefit of gender-neutrality. Your personfriend can be a boy, a girl, an androgyne, or a member of a five-sexed alien species.

It also has the same delightful neutrality and vagueness as either of those terms...

"Is s/he my personfriend? Well... s/he is a person... and s/he is my friend!"

Personfriend.

Reflections from my latest adventure/disaster.

Oops, posted to wrong blog. Carry on.

Pseudopolyamory

Kevin Smith's "Chasing Amy": Holden, Amy and Banky are a pseudopolyamorous triad with Holden as the "apex" between two relationships, a heterosexual romantic relationship and a "heterosexual life partner" relationship.

It is very common in today's day and age for people to have a non-sexual companion that in most ways resembles a boyfriend or girlfriend. Often times, these people will redefine these relationships when they find a "real" boyfriend or girlfriend, and they almost always redefine the relationships once they are married.

However, frequently, this redefinition does not happen. The pseudopartner keeps his or her original importance, and what happens is a relationship that is composed of not only the two romantic partners, but each partner's respective pseudopartners.

There are many permutations of pseudopartner:

* The heterosexual/bisexual female's pseudoboyfriend, as I have already described.
* The deep and complex relationships between gay men and their female best friends.
* The common lesbian phenomenon of remaining good friends with an ex.
* The even more common "heterosexual life partner" phenomenon
* To some extent, the role which the "Wolfpack" may fill in a young man's life - it is his primary commitment and the girlfriends of all the pack members, are secondary.


The pseudopartner, when the relationship is not redefined after "real" partnership, usually ends up resented by the romantic partner who is the "left-out" party, but frequently, coupled people in a pseudopartnership will not redefine the pseudopartnership or part with the pseudopartner. After all, "it's not cheating!" because "we're NOT 'like that'!".

Pseudopartnership is actually a destructive force in couple relationships, as there is often a deeper and longer-standing intimacy between the pseudopartners. The pseudopartner will be the first one who hears about the news of the day, and often (because of long-standing trust) will be the first called if there is a problem.

The partnership energy that the romantic partner receives, ends up being the "left-overs" that were not given to the pseudopartner first.

Furthermore, existence of a pseudopartner can prevent both people from having deeper relationships; they end up seeking new partners only to give them what they are not receiving in their pseudopartnership.

It is helpful, in pseudopolyamory, to consider the pseudopartners the "primary" relationship while considering the sexual and romantic partners "secondary".

It is also helpful to single people - if they want a full and complete partnership with another - to learn to spot when prospective mates have a pseudopartner, and to consider those people unavailable.

Women more often end up having to tolerate their partner's pseudopolyamory than vice-versa, and make excuses for it - "they're just friends" or "she's like a sister".

It does not often work the other way around, for heterosexual men. Men will see another man around, and consider the woman unavailable - or if they learn of a pseudopartner after they have coupled with the woman, they will make very clear that they do not tolerate the pseudopartner's presence.

A pseudopartner is NOT the same as a "best friend", although most people do indeed call their pseudopartner their "best friend". But a "best friendship" can easily become a "pseudopartnership" if one allows the best friend into the spaces that only a partner can and should fill.

The following are signs that a person's "best friend" is in fact their pseudopartner:

* Standing date with the friend, just like in a relationship - they are together every weekend
* Even after you get together, the person is always around - often the first of the two to be coupled will feel guilty about leaving the other person out.
* The person manages to always be included in your time with your partner
* Friend is (usually) uncoupled, often the type I refer to as a "toxic single" - this will be one of my next entries
* Your partner talks to the friend every single day, for several hours
* They are with that friend several times a week, and that friend is called upon for every possible need.
* You can't sit at a table with the two people without the entire conversation consisting of their private jokes
* You feel like a third wheel around the two of them, and feel like "something is missing".
* You feel like you will never have a database of shared special moments and memories with your partner because he or she has already shared all of that with their friend
* You rationalize, "but they're not having sex"
* You often have to defend your partner to other people, and explain that s/he and hir friend are NOT sexual

Pseudopartnership is one of the reasons why you should not jump headfirst into a relationship without knowing their friends - otherwise, you will not spot if a person has a pseudopartner, until it is too late. Especially since most people are able to at least somewhat distance from the pseudopartner during the sexually intoxicating "New Relationship Energy" stage.

When a pseudopartnership is severed, often there will be a period of grief - just like a breakup. Some pseudopartnerships can be as deep, profound and involved as marriages, and even involve shared expenses and living arrangements.

Two Sweaters in Love, part 1

Not all Sweater Men prefer Messenger Bag Girls. Many MBGs are (as my colleague puts it) a bit on the "Diablo" side. The Diablo MBG's "ironic" appropriation of masculine traits, love of South Park, many male friends, and constant sarcasm, will eventually begin to grate if the Sweater in question is thin-skinned. He may also get tired of talking about sex.

He may grow tired of hearing about the latest technology, and getting CC'd for every new internet meme, or being told that Rickrolling or some other meme that he has managed to "catch up on" is "so five minutes ago".

Worse, many Sweater Men simply cannot keep up with the sexual appetites of their Messenger Bag Girls. The right to freely and voraciously enjoy sex, for many Messenger Bag Girls, is one more thing on a long list of items (including equal pay) to which they feel entitled.

It can also be heartbreaking for the Sweater who only wants to connect to his partner, and read poetry together, but the partner wants to check Slashdot or Kuro5hin first... and ends up stuck on the computer for three hours because there is always something she MUST blog.

Many Sweaters long for the empathy, sensitivity and beauty that only they understand.

To deal with this problem, many Sweaters (of either physical sex) become homosexual - they only love other Sweaters.

This means that their partners are uniquely suited to understanding the trials and tribulations of Sweater life, and have a compatible mp3 playlist.

It is not easy for gay Sweaters, however. Finding a compatible mate is difficult, let alone finding any mate at all, and for those Sweaters who are past college age - thus denying them the best opportunity to meet their own kind - the Sweater equivalent of a gay bar was invented.

This place is known, commonly, as a coffeehouse.

Coffeehouses are ideal places for Sweaters to meet, connect, and perform all the stages of courtship that lead up to the ultimate act of Sweater Love consummation: attending a concert together, preferably of a local independent band that few people have heard of.

The next essay will detail the stages of gay sweater courtship, from meeting to the mating dance (including the Sweater Stare and the Almost-Hand-Touch) to when the relationship is finally consummated.

I will also discuss the current advances and setbacks in the fight for marriage equality for gay Sweaters.

Stay tuned.

Pseudoboyfriend

The Pseudoboyfriend in Film:
"Pretty in Pink" - Andie with her Pseudoboyfriend, Duckie.

The Pseudoboyfriend is a platonic male friend who fills all the needs normally met by a boyfriend, except for romantic/sexual intimacy. The woman often does not want a "real" boyfriend for some reason or another, such as convalescence after a breakup, but the Pseudoboyfriend makes her feel good about herself and fills the social hole vacated by her departing real boyfriend.

Girls typically have a "standing date" with the Pseudoboyfriend every weekend, and there is often the social expectation on the part of others that the two will behave as a unit.

The Pseudoboyfriend often fills the role of an Emergency Backup Boyfriend - when every last option has been exhausted, the girl will call him for a real date, but often when an attractive alpha shows up, she'll ditch him.

Girls often get righteously enraged when the Pseudoboyfriend pays attention to another woman, as the Pseudoboyfriend relationship will come to an end when he actually gets a "real" girlfriend, unless the couple and the pseudogirlfriend have some kind of Pseudopolyamorous setup. Sometimes the Pseudoboyfriend's interest in another woman will trigger possessive feelings in the Pseudogirlfriend, and occasionally the Pseudogirlfriend will actually develop real sexual/romantic interest in the Pseudoboyfriend as he is now attractively unavailable. Additionally, most women don't want to part with their Pseudoboyfriend, as finding a good Pseudoboyfriend can be as difficult and heart-rending as finding a decent boyfriend or husband.

Men often get themselves into the Pseudoboyfriend trap when they think they will win a girl's heart by "being her friend"' rather than just asking her out.

The ex-Pseudoboyfriend often feels used, but they still often come back for more.

Default Jew

A Default Jew or Jew-by-Default is a person who displays the following characteristics:

1. An American who possesses a Jewish ethnic identity based upon the presence of at least one Jewish parent

2. Does not identify with the religion or religious community of Judaism. This is not the same as a Jew who converts to another religion or denies his heritage, but still thinks of himself, internally, as a Jew. That person is an Amerano (American Marano), not a Default Jew.

3. Thinks of being Jewish as primarily an interesting tidbit of ethnic trivia, similar to having one French parent

4. Identifies more strongly with the majority culture

5. Does not display much "Yiddishkeit" (the paralanguage, social, and other external identifiers common to many American Jews)

6. The Default Jew feels his identity is primarily defined by the bigotry of others rather than being a free-standing entity of its own. When in mixed Jewish and non-Jewish groups, and around Jews, the Default Jew often feels/identifies as non-Jewish.

7. The Default Jew may have ambivalence toward himself or herself.

A Default Jew will often not at all ever mention their Jewish heritage, except when the following occur:

1. They are accused of being "not really Jewish"
2. They are confronted with anti-Semitism
3. They are faced with the necessity of emigrating to Israel or obtaining political asylum, usually due to #2.

At which point, the Default Jew suddenly becomes VERY Jewish.

Jews of all kinds (Default and non-Default alike) tend to think of the Default Jew as Jewish. Additionally, anti-Semites also usually think of the Default Jew as Jewish.

It's everyone in between to whom the Default Jew's identity tends to be in question.

Interestingly, Default Jews generally see OTHER Default Jews as Jewish, but often do not see themselves this way.

A Small Glossary of New Terms

Subculturopause

When you have hit the age (usually 30, but may be higher or lower depending upon your subculture) at which you are expected to leave your subculture for the mainstream, or at least alter some of your subcultural behaviors (such as, for Sweaters, being into irony and sarcasm). The semiotics of many of your subcultural identifiers will shift as you age; the same behavior will take on a new meaning. When you undergo Subculturopause, people will start suggesting good therapists instead of inviting you to the goth clubs, and call you an asshole for being ironic.

Diablo

This is the contribution of one of my esteemed colleagues and mentors at the Institute of Snarkological Studies. I did not invent it. It is in common use in some communities, but has yet to hit the mainstream. Basically, a Diablo (after the director and ex-stripper Diablo Cody) is the same as a strongly identified Third Wave Feminist or Sex-Positive Feminist. Diablos often see open sexual behavior and taking the traditionally masculine role as a badge of gender liberation. A woman who becomes a sex worker by choice, and defines her choice in terms of feminism, could be defined as a Diablo.
Many have expanded the term to mean any woman of more "libertine" sexual manners, but this is not the strict meaning of Diablo, and such women have existed throughout history - long before the advent of Sex-Positive Feminism. Nonetheless, this construction of the term "Diablo" will be used in other terms, such as Diablo Boyfriend Decay and Diablo Makeover.

Diablo Boyfriend Decay

A phenomenon in which very strongly identified Diablos frequently experience a gradual dropoff in the social, socioeconomic and psychosexual quality of their partners as they age. A form of relative social decay. At age 20, the Diablo's boyfriend is often of average maturity and average professional status for his age. She experiences a significant decline in the status of her male partners, until at age 30 she finds herself the companion of worsening levels of Tumor Boyfriend.

Diablo Makeover

When an unpopular or conventionally unnattractive teenage girl or young woman decides to read every sex manual and become open about her sex life, with the (misguided or not) hope of becoming more popular.

Cliqarche

The technical term for Clique Social Ripening. Puberty for square youth. When being into wine tasting and Kenny G is now completely normal, and gets you invited to the good parties that you used to get banned from.

Zendrogyny

The tendency for many Caucasian attendees at any Buddhist organization to have an androgynous or gender-atypical presentation and appearance.

Corset Diablo

The sexually aggressive, overbearing women one often sees in the subculture of fantasy and science fiction fandom, and medieval re-enactment.

Zendroid

Some of the blissed-out individuals who often practice Zendrogyny. Sometimes require a deprogrammer in order to carry on a conversation with them.

Messenger Bag Girl

The opposite sex counterpart to a Sweater Man. She is not merely a female Sweater.
The most extreme of Messenger Bag Girls (so-called because they carry ironically ugly and thus trendy messenger bags, often with logos or slogans) mature into lawyers, businesswomen and high-tech professionals, but plenty merely settle for an advanced degree of some kind, or at worst, a job as a software debugger. In their latency, they often have black hair cut in a sleek bob, and trendy, chunky glasses. The Messenger Bag Girl believes in the sexual equality of women, and is generally the aggressor in her relationships with her ideal partner, the Sweater Man, but she is not necessarily a Diablo. Additionally, she will be the superior breadwinner to her mate, who manages the local independent cafe, has a Bachelor's degree in Ancient Greek, is a musician in a garage band, the world's best macrame artist, and a freelance writer.